log 18

OK
So I'm back and feeling Much Better emotionally!
Physically my lower back hurts again...shit...
All I did was sleep from 7:30pm to 4:50am
when the day before I had trouble sleeping
So...I'm in pain
took two Tylenol and it still hurts
Hope I feel better by tomorrow gotta work
Anyway
So...today...life is cool...other than my back...

Been reading old writing and realized that I'm pretty damn creative
all the ideas about advanced technology and changes to society
Makes me really want to explore everything I've written
and see where I can take it
and anyone who doesn't support me can suck my left nut
And that ain't no cashew!

I wish life was easier  and that I could do what I want and not work
for someone else
but I can't
So all I can do is just follow through with life
and accept what happens and go on
God will provide what I need
and what He doesn't I can get myself

OK
That's all for now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not

P.S.: Play SW: TOR f2p!

log 17

so....the last time i wrote was about a friend and rumors and was at the beginning of 

September so I owe myself a few blogs...

...on this Glorious day, two days before Thanksgiving -  which I NEVER understood

why it's so fucking important to get together with people and eat until you are ready

to Burst....the whole 'Thanks' part about Thanksgiving seems to be lost on a LOT of

folks these days - I was going to talk about women and relationships again....but this time I will talk about something else....how Depression can ruin your day!

I was diagnosed early in my life that I was a Chronic Depressive. This was due to my

childhood and all the crap that happened. Now I take pills and they keep me Even and 

Positive most of the time.

Today is NOT one of those days...

woke up with a headache that became a migraine and life progressed to suck ass after

that. so much so that i resolved to stay home instead of seeing a movie or going out

and that pretty much made me bitter for the rest of the day. I reflected as to Why I was

so Bitter and realized while washing dishes that yes my bitterness is about ME and that

I feel like I suck ass sideways. The more time i spend around people the more horrible

i feel. I prefer to spend time alone rather than be around people. I almost got upset 

today cause my brother needed to use my Mac! What...ThePhuck!? OVER

ok...the more I am around people the less I like then and myself cause I want them to 

GO AWAY

or Die...Permanently!

and yet...the more time I spend by myself the more I realize I dont want to and the less I 

like myself. I don't want a GF/companion/sex object/whatever now but I...don't know if I 

want to be with someone later.

I'm not confused I'm just sayin' Bobby!

I wish I lived somewhere far away...like Italy...and had an internet connection so I could 

email and talk to friends and family but not actually SEE ANYONE!

I feel when I go out, even to work, I don't meet up to my Own standard and that I should just stay home, in the dark, and forget about Eevrything 

cause none of it matters anyway right?

in the end the only thing that Truly matters is God's will for all of us

so there

fuck everyone

and leave me alone

that's all for Now, Space-Pals!

Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not. and I'm Captain McBitterPants!

log 16

OK
Heard Agee rumors about friends
today and not only are they Lame
but Why anyone would think that
I give two shits about a rumor
about friends is beyond me!
And they rumors reinforce a
Double - Standard about men
and women
like... It's considered OK or COOL
for a man to sleep around
But when a woman does it
She's a Slut or a Whore...
...what the FUCK man!
People are people and they get
Horny and they have sex
so what the FUCK does it matter
if that's a man or a woman?!
People who create and perpetuate
Shit like this are Really Small
and need to get Shot!
SO
I'm gonna go buy a shotgun
Really!
It's just Stupid
geez
'let he who is without sin
cast the first stone'
Ya Know?
Anyway
That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane
Your Not!

log 15

WOW!
So it's been over a month since my
last post.
Just didn't want any posts being
about women or lack there of.
Suffice to say, no female action
right now and that's OK!
Wanna deal with my weight
Which is still around 315
( haven't weighed myself since
my last post )
But my cholesterol and glucose
levels are up so I'm on a chol.
medication and I'm just very
Feed up with myself.
How and why did I let things
come to This huh?!
just Weakness!
Anyway gotta get thin and healthy
so most posts will now be about
That
That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember Life is Insane!
YOU'RENOT!

Log 14

OK
No more morose CRAP!
This is mostly
or Should be mostly
about my weight loss
which is going Well
Staying at 312 for a while
which is Good considering
the month
Year?
I've been having
BUT
I said I finished a small intro
for 'Tales'
Well I have also finished one
of the tales! YAY!
Don't have a title yet but it'll come
I'm gonna put it on my Mac
then anyone who wants to read
the rough
just email me!
So....There ya go!

log 13

OK
So it's hailing now
Been on/off rain and sun w/humidity
for most of the day.
Power went out at 2pm
back on at 5:20pm
now down again
due to Hail? I think so!
Soooooo.....goes with my mood
lately
Feels like I've been given a
Big Chore by God
and I'm getting the short end
of the deal
for the rest of my life
( yay power back! )
They say...whoever They are...
that crazy people don't know
that their crazy.
I think they do know and
That
Is what makes them crazy!
Anyway...Terminus Est

That's all for Now Space-Pals!
remember.....uh...maybe not today...

Additional:
I realize that this recent stuff
coincides with the situation
with this woman I work with
(bad English)
it has Nothing to do with her
It's all about me and my shit
and how I've had few gf's
and many rejections
and that I FINALLY realize Why
and that realization makes
SO MUCH SENSE(!)
and how ill never be the same
Sane?
Again

Terminus Est

log 12

Need a mature woman that wants me for Me...a Man.
but now I have to focus on my health
and fitness and writing
My Future
so a woman will be a bonus

Additional:
I feel like a large weight has been
lifted off me but it's bittersweet
I have to do things that make me
focus on Me
and that means some people
are going to get hurt
and some people will be mad
and some will hate
and I've set that up
so I can do what I Need to do
for me and my future.
It might be a lonely future
but, even as a kid as like an adult
Now, a relationship...a woman
in my life...
...has Always been an afterthought...
...God's Honest Truth

That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
remember: Life is Insane.
You're Not.

log 11

still awake
drank a lot of caffeinated soda today
so thats probably why

OK
interesting chain of events that lead me to being Very Happy today!

this whole thing with this co-worker just lead me to imagine
what it would be like, and how I would feel, to be with
the 'One, Right Woman'.
I imagined her as a blond
probably cause i been thinking about Marilyn recently
and that we Completely bonded and things just Fit together
like jigsaw puzzle pieces
and I realized that I would feel
like that scene in Disney's ALADDIN
he and Jasmine are on the balcony, they kiss, she leaves
and he says 'YES!' and falls backward onto Carpet
That's me! hehe
THEN
cause I imagined my woman as a blond
i thought about the first woman I fell in love with
Christy Fair
Her long, blond-blond hair,
her awesome face and how, when she smiled,
her whole face lit up!
OOOOHHH!
I remember her fondly.
Now I'll never see her again
and that's Cool
but its good to know that even though no woman
gives me a second thought now
( which is Good for now )
some women have been attracted to me
and have loved me!
It just makes me feel Really Good
and Happy!

of this co-worker, things are like they normally are
and I guess I never paid attention to it before
but we are just kind and civil to each other
don't go out of our way to talk to each other
and say little to each other
so I overreacted
and I do that sometimes
and that's Cool
at least no one got hurt
and I had a Good Sunday Work day
for the first time in a Long time!
so it's all Good!
SO
Life is getting Better!
I Fell Better about me, my weight, my life!
I'm writing More
and I feel Happier and More Confident about myself!
Good things coming!
I think that will be all for now, Space-Pals!
remember: Life is Insane. You're Not!

Log 10

So
Found out through a friend
that this woman isn't interested
in me and is dating someone.
Oh well...her loss...heh...and
she doesn't know it and
Probably never will.
It's all Good
SO
off to the Next Adventure!

Finished brief history of
Florentine and working on story
New one for "Tales"

Been watching Breaking Bad
the show is Awesome!
Almost done with season 3
Watchit!

That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
remember: Life is Insane.
Your Not

log 9

blah blah blah.....what do I say when there is nothing to say?
I've written more...i'll speak more on that later...
if I could have Any one woman it would either be Rita Hayworth or Marilyn Monroe.
Both were intelligent, pretty, sexy and just amazing!
and you can tell all that in just their faces!
that's what matters....pretty face, Great smile, Great laugh and sense of humor
uh...tired...shleepers Larry
talk later....

log 8

so
been thinking and feeling this past...week is it?
and I realize that I'm just
not the right person for anyone now
maybe ever
I haven't spoken with anyone
I just realized I'm being stupid
in my experience, women don't go for men
who are friends
let alone men who are fat
just being honest
and that's cool.
I'm just not gonna do anything
about this woman I've been talking about
cause i'm pretty sure she just sees me as a friend
and if thats what she needs
and makes her Happy
then that's what matters.
Will I Ever be with someone again?
who knows
but I don't think about it
anyway that's all

*ADDITIONAL -

I don't want anyone to think
I am hopeless. I just am confused.
My Reason says it won't happen
cause it Never has.
My Instinct says I don't know but
give her the benefit of the doubt,
Trust her.
My Emotion says I don't know
and I can't tell but whatthehell
give it a chance.
SO
There ya go
Confusion
As Usual
LOL
OK
That's REALLY all for now
Space-Pals!
remember: Life is Insane. You're Not

log 7

the stinking heat & humidity and making it Very difficult to sleep.
I have to take an ice - cold shower before bed!
Not Too bad cause I like those kinds of showers
but when outside is all nice and cool
and I open the door to my place
and it's as hot as an oven inside it's just STUPID!
I LIKE the heat really!
I moved from LA to here
but when its cool outside at night

and inside its like how the day was

ALL stinking night

ssss - ST - Uuuuuu - piiiiiiiiid!

so...5 hrs. & 15 min. of sleep due to heat

been thinking about this woman at work

she is on vacation for 12 days

which is Awesome

but Shit I Couldn't do that!

I'd be like "AAAAHH! Idon'tknowifIhaveenoughvacationtime! 

Loosingmoney! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

anyway

been thinking about her and me

and granted I'm Always Wrong

about who's interested in me

but she could do a Lot worse than me 

dudes

I'm just sayin'!

I guess it really depends on what's Best

for Her

and if I put my desires before her needs

then i'm just a Chump

in my own eyes

and I don't want to be a Chump

so

we'll see what happens when she comes back

Probably nuthin but ya never know....

Faith

it's all about Faith

OK

That's all for now, Space-Pals!

remember: I'm Insane....uh...Life's Insane.

                                          You're Not.

log 6.1

so I was right
after talking to some friends who know her and who know me
I realized....which i Knew already....that she was just being herself
and informing me of her life
so that's that.
It funny
not HA - HA but odd
I always think women at work are interested in me
not just Trader Joe's
but everywhere I've worked
and I'm always wrong
They don't see me as a Man
they see me as their gay friend
or girl friend
or...gay-girl friend?
I guess
I guess I'm just not what women want
or I go after the immature women?
I don't know
All I DO know is that
until I weigh 200 lbs.
I'm not gonna look / get/ whatever a girlfriend
i need someone who wants me
who says "OOH! He's Cute! And Funny! I wanna see him Nekkid!"
lol
BAH!
this shit makes me crazy!

*addendum - I just looked and people are ACTUALLY reading
what I have to say! Amazing!
....i guess i'm interesting....lol
Thank You All!
=)
I feel Awesome now!

That's all for Now, SPace-Pals!
remember: Life IS Insane. You're Not

log 6

weight: 313 (lost 2 pounds YAY!)
exercise: 30 minutes of misc. (need more)
written: 30 minutes (need more)

so...here we go again....

Been working slowly on the same story for 'Tales of Florentine' and writing was just like
doing a chore so i stopped and took a break. It gets like that sometimes and its Very annoying. I expect to write more soon.

work is the same: don't want to be there.
about the only bright spot are my friends there and one particular woman who I have knownfor a while but is recently catching my eye.
I always thought she was attractive because I look towards a woman's face first then
everything else. If I see a woman with a great body I HAVE to see her face and if she
has a face that I could live with then I'm interested.
This woman has Always had a pretty face
and a Great smile and laugh.
recently she made a point of telling me that she isn't dating anyone anymore.
I Rarely get chicks interested in me....well...wait....I can Never tell when a chick is
interested in me and I've missed out on some Fine women! But it seems like I can always
tell when a chick is Not interested in me which is most of the time.
SO i find myself struggling as to what to do next....
...i've started down a new path to loose weight, write and change my life for the Better
and I feel a relationship right now would add chaos...
...whenever I think a woman is interested in me I am ALWAYS Wrong(!)...
...the more i think about this the more i realize I'm just overreacting
like I always do with women
she just talks to me cause I'm her friend
'sigh'

finally, about two weeks ago my ma went into the hospital due to an irregular heart beat.
the symptoms she described are similar to the symptoms my step-father had before he
had his stroke. She was there for 2 days so they could monitor her then sent home.
My ma is going to be 80 next year and it never Seriously occurred to me that she could
'be sent to the glue factory' so soon. It seems like she has been always around and...
...i....just....don't really think about my ma Not being here...but I guess I should start...
...all part of getting older I guess...
OH! what's going on with my ma doesn't much to do with my decision to start the
Cotntail Venture...heh...if anything it makes me realize i need to stop thinking of myself
and realize that there are others out there who want me/my attention and who i want or
want to give my attention to.
OK
gonna try to go back to bed...that's All for Now, Space-Pals!
remember: Life is INsane. You're Not.

log 5

weight: 315
exercise: 30 minutes of aerobic (?)
written: none

SO....I hope to write updates on Sundays and maybe one or two other days
if the mood strikes me or I have something to say or something relevant happens...

stayed home from work yesterday due to a Really bad migraine
and spent most of the day in bed in the dark
feel like i fucked myself out of a days worth of cash but if you sick stay home
feel better today but still not one hundred percent.

Matt & Pat Episode 2 is tonight and they asked me to do something for it
so i recorded a little something. It's stupid in a funny-but-idiotic way, just a minute blurb

so i guess that's it for now. See you Later, Space-Pals!
remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

log 4

weight: 315 ( lost 5 pounds Yay! )
exercise: 30 minutes of misc. stretching and aerobic exercise
writting: 2hours

so...i'm sitting here listening to the Premiere of the Matt & Pat podcast and i have to say it is too Funny! The beginning of it is about me....not sure Why they picked Me to talk about but i can lend a great deal of comedic material....as i'm sure we ALL can! lol
so I wrote for about 2 hours while I was waiting for my car to get serviced - 4 tires, alignment and tune up and oil change.
It was probably the Best writing session in a while! I just sat and wrote and didn't even notice the time. It is the first of many self contained stories for a book called
"Tales from Florentine" ( Floor-en-teen ). It's in a fantasy setting and all the tales take place
in a large city, called a city-state in this book, called Florentine.
I wont go into too many details here for the story is just in its first rough draft but it is sitting....in my head....Wanting to be written. The main character is based on a guy I know
at Trader Joe's in Danbury. I'm working on another story that is the prequel to this one in which the main character is based on another friend at TJ's Danbury.

speaking of my job....the more i write the more i just want to stay home and write. I find myself getting pissed at the customers for no reason other than they are There! This feeling is bleeding into my feelings for my co-workers as well. Most notably the women cause I have a problem relating, talking to, trusting and liking women.
I'm not gay or a cereal killer ( hehe )!
i've had sex with a woman and enjoyed it and would like to do it more often
but....does there really need to be conversation? before, after or during?
lets just fuck, get it done and go on!
but....Dave ( me ) is not built that way either so....i screw myself out of getting screwed! lol...at least i can laugh at myself right?
Having to work with them i see all this....garbage and I just think 'lame' and switch off.
which is when they want to smile at me and talk to me and so i do to be nice
when i really have 6 things running through my head then i see this woman, imagine her naked and then all the important stuff just evaporates like a mouse-fart in the wind!
can't they tell i'm concentrating? do they have to wiggle themselves near me?
'sigh'
so...being a Male i can't win....lol
anyway....writing at home would be far Less distracting and more productive and get me doing what i like to do....so....i'm working on what i can do to make that happen...

so i hope to write updates more frequently....that's all for now Space-Pals!
remember: Life is insane. You Aren't.

log 3

just finished 10 hours of work at Trader Joe's. Not really busy today but with 4 1/2 hours of sleep it was tough enough. prayers, shower and nap....then real update.

log 2

weight: 320 lbs.
exercise: none
written: none

I have found...that...what i thought was normal behavior was actually selfish and self-centered. Action to help others was tinted by underlying selfish interests..."if i do this she will want to date me", "if i do this they will owe me...Big Time!" and crap like that. I haven't been a real good person or even a Real person. It's funny....I always told people not to be selfish and i ended up doing it myself...heh...
WELL!
Time to Change THAT SHIT!

OK...so this is my first blog or really writing about myself.
I generally don't like to talk about myself cause i feel everyone would say 'so what' but , after thinking & feeling about it, i realized that this would probably help me with some things that have cropped up since the year began.
and create a log for my weight loss.....adventure?
AND! ( hehe! ) a writing log...to help me write more...cause i'm a writer.
I'm not published yet but I will be!