Interlude...hehe...'lude'...hehe...

hehe

I often think. and that's the problem.

I think about Life, Love, the planet, the environment, people and how
stupid they are, people and how awesome they are.
and I think and think and think.
so I think too much.
Because I think too much I don't act enough.
I think I know the 'reality' of a situation so I either roll with it -
which means do nothing - or I wait for an opening - which, again,
means do nothing.
I don't see myself as afraid or a coward.
I take a look at my previous experiences and try to figure out the
answer based on those previous situations and how they went.
Basically, I overthink and think myself right out of action
because I feel I know the outcome or I convince myself it's a
waste of time.
But I overlook the reality that not every situation is the same.
Yes, some are but not All of them are.
When I go looking for a job, I go on an interview and afterward I
stress out about whether I got the job or not. Most of the time I don't
and I go to the next interview. I keep doing this until I come to a
place where I say 'Whatever happens, happens and we'll see.'
I get to the point where my Taoist views Finally kick in and allow
myself to be in the moment and the situation and accept that,
whether I want the job or not, I have to accept what happens,
whatever that is.
When relating to people it should be the same way.
We don't know how things will turn out but our preconceived
ideas get ahead of us and we bring expectations into that particular
burgeoning relationship. We want some to be our friend/lover/whatever
and so we stress about the outcome. Only when we let go and
realize that we have no control over people and how they think
or feel and just accept the situation for what it is can we see that
we get what we needed.
New employee came to my job (retail market, McEnroe's Organic Farm).
Michelle. Nice. Funny. Pretty. We get along.
I talked to her about the show Critical Role (I'm an unofficial Critter) and
she likes it too. She tells me she plays D&D with people from her school
and they were starting a new campaign. I told her I would LOVE to
play. She said she would ask the DM and get back to me.
She didn't respond for days so I started to overthink the situation
"DIDISAYSOMETHINGWRONG?!" "WhatthefuckdoIdoNow?!"
"IREALLYWANTTOPLAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
Finally, I said to myself "She has a life. She'll get back to me and I'll
find out then." and I let it go. I was Taoist again and, a little disappointed,
at peace.
Soon as I did that she texted me and said "sorry I'm getting back to you
late. We're playing on This day at This place. Come by and see what it's
like." And I was Happy.
I'm now playing in the new campaign with her and her boyfriend and
their friends and they are all amazing and playing D&D again is AWESOME!

Bringing our own...Garbage to a situation, be it desires, wants, needs,
judgements, opinions, whatever, create in all of us undo stress and
sometimes fuck us right out of what we want.
Giving it all up and saying 'OK. I know nothing. We'll see what happens
and that will be that.' frees All of us to be our Real, Genuine selves.
Yes we are emotional selfish people but if we take that crap out and allow
ourselves to Be Ourselves we are provided with what we need.
Look at your Own lives.
Figure out what You need and how you approach it.
Because in the end, it's all about being Happy.
Maybe part of Happiness is playing a game with a bunch of new cool people.


That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

It may not give you what you want but it gives what you need.

Path to Definition and...revelations of the past

Howdy!
Back Again!

This past week I watched a movie where an army father had trained his sons so much
that he turned them into modern assassins. His main point was...
...'Different doesn't mean people will like you or not. It means that, one day, they will
fear you.' He knew that fear turns to violence so he trained them to be ready
for whatever man come at them.
As soon as I heard that it reminded me of Star Wars and how Yoda said...
...'Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering.'
And isn't that what we are seeing in our world now?
So many fearful people are turning to hatred. We have been inundated with fearful
ideas and images and bullshit for so long that some people have decided that
particular peoples - black people, LBGT people, foreign people - are the 'problem'
and need to be 'dealt with' whatever That means. Usually using violence.
It's just SAD!

We all have fears in our lives and we struggle daily to overcome them.
My fears stem from my depression and anxiety.
I fear they will overcome me and I'll loose that battle, that I feel I've been fighting
all my life, and I'll do something dumb and hurt myself. I got to counseling to
help me with this. I take CBD oil. I talk to people. The group counselor says
I need to talk More. I'm trying but, for me, it's never been easy to talk about myself.
I don't want to burden anyone with my crap. They have their own crap to deal with.
The counselor says Maybe you talking about yourself will give them the impetus
to talk about Themselves. So I keep trying.
My fears also stem from my rage.
I've been angry for a Very long time. I almost hurt a little kid when I was in high
school cause one of his friends threw an apple at my head. A teacher tried to shut me
down but I REALLY wanted to hurt her too.
I was so mad at my brother I was going to hit him with a chair. I picked it up and
I was ready to hit him with it! This was around the same age.
I learned how to deal with my rage as I got older but it's still there, lurking in the back
of my brain, waiting.
I want to Be Captain America but I Feel like, and identify more with, the Hulk.
Big. Misunderstood. Rage-monster. wants to be left alone. mostly.
Lots of people says to me "You're such a Good Guy!"
It is very hard for me to be a 'Good Guy' most of the time.
So I go to group counseling. So I take CBD oil. So I try to talk about me.
Not to get people to care but to get used to talking so it's easier and so I can
express myself better. And I pray. which calms me.
So that smile I wear is often a mask so people wont fear me.
Even though I am different.

That's all for Now, SPace-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

maybe you're just a little angry or sad. That's ok. We All are now. I wont fear you.

Path to Definition...and....sea creatures!

YAY!



YAY! I hope it came out....

OK
I said before about we are all trying to find our porpoise...uhh...PURPOSE
and how it will help us all to get from our respective 'Here' to 'There.'
Having people in your life is Vital to making this happen.
Whether they are family, friends, coworkers, lovers, spouses, Whatever
People Help us figure things out and get us where we Need to go.
Sometimes it's seeing our flaws reflected in them and saying 'UGH!'
Sometimes it's seeing their flaws in us and saying 'UGH!'
Or it can be all about the 'aaawwwww!' that we see.
We all do it and we all see it. the 'aaawww' factor.
Seeing someone do something that makes them more human and...real?

Example -
Last weekend my manager, nice woman with a 3 year old and
a new born and husband, had a party for her husband and there were...70
people there. She said it went well but the kids were just NOT happy.
They wouldn't sleep and her three year old said 'I Want Them To All Go AWAY!'
and crying and all that.
My reaction was 'Aaaaawwww!'-

I don't know if that means she saw the real human in me or I saw it in her and
her situation but there it is.
These are the moments that bring us closer and make us all realize that human
contact is what we all need.
I said before that having a woman in my life would just make going through
my depression, et al, harder but after this little....bonding moment (?)
I realize that having a woman in my life would make it easier.
Someone to talk to, someone who cares about my well being, someone who
wants to see me healthy and whole.
so....there That is. Not too much of a revelation but helpful in the 'Definition and
Porpoise' idea.
not sayin' it's my manager, monkees, i'm just sayin'.

anyway....there ya go...

That's all forNow, SPace-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.