Hello!
So last week I was on Vacation
WHOOT-WHOOT!
and I NEEDED it!
I had a whole week where I wasn't responsible to other people
and where I didn't have to Be anywhere unless I wanted to be there
IT WAS AWESOME!
I went to the city and had an adventure!
Took the train to Grand Central and then went into the city, went to a few places
- exhibit I wanted to see, restaurant that I wanted to eat - and there were
so Many people. It was AWESOME!
I had so much fun being in the city I will go back again!
I went to the Baseball Museum and Hall of Fame another day
and it was another Great Adventure!
One day I slept Most of the day.
It just felt Really Good not to do anything or be responsible for anything
or to anyone.
But now I have to go back to work this week,
oh well
not really looking forward to it but not dreading it either.
the vacation energized me and made me able to deal with my own stuff
I've been dealing with and come to solutions for myself.
I feel a LOT Better and better able to deal with my life and my situations -
being alone, not sure about a future for me, not wanting to be here anymore -
and things don't feel hopeless anymore.
So a GREAT vacation!
YAY! WHOOT - WHOOT! YAY!
That's All for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.
Maybe you just need a GREAT vacation!
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Saturday, July 14, 2018
Follow up to last post
Howdy!
so After my last post
the one about my management coworkers
I was a little bummed.
I had time before my group counseling appointment so I went to
the Berkshire Co-Op in Great Barrington, Mass.
I saw and talked to a few friends and I realized something:
I have friends who really love me and accept me for who I am.
This past few months I've been upset because I felt I had no one
- wife, girlfriend, whatever - but I have Lots of Loving, Caring
friends who love Me for Me.
I haven't stopped being Happy since I realized this.
In spite of my brain trying to make me feel bad about my current
work situation, I am Very Happy that I have wonderful, warm and
loving people in my life who love me and accept me for me.
If I don't have any more, then I don't.
If I make more, then I do.
if it takes a little longer for me to be in an intimate relationship,
then it does.
I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
I had forgotten ALL of these things and was so pathologically
focused on 'no girlfriend' that I couldn't see the Real Joy I have
in my life already.
Thank you ALL, My friends!
I love you, appreciate you and am very grateful to you for everything
You have given Me!
That is All for now, Space-Pals.
Remember: Life is Insane. We are Not.
with Much Love, Gratitude and Acceptance of You!
so After my last post
the one about my management coworkers
I was a little bummed.
I had time before my group counseling appointment so I went to
the Berkshire Co-Op in Great Barrington, Mass.
I saw and talked to a few friends and I realized something:
I have friends who really love me and accept me for who I am.
This past few months I've been upset because I felt I had no one
- wife, girlfriend, whatever - but I have Lots of Loving, Caring
friends who love Me for Me.
I haven't stopped being Happy since I realized this.
In spite of my brain trying to make me feel bad about my current
work situation, I am Very Happy that I have wonderful, warm and
loving people in my life who love me and accept me for me.
If I don't have any more, then I don't.
If I make more, then I do.
if it takes a little longer for me to be in an intimate relationship,
then it does.
I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
I had forgotten ALL of these things and was so pathologically
focused on 'no girlfriend' that I couldn't see the Real Joy I have
in my life already.
Thank you ALL, My friends!
I love you, appreciate you and am very grateful to you for everything
You have given Me!
That is All for now, Space-Pals.
Remember: Life is Insane. We are Not.
with Much Love, Gratitude and Acceptance of You!
Friday, July 13, 2018
Path to Definition....Upset....like in sports...
I have a tendency to be More into people than they are with me.
This has lost me potential friends and possibly more.
I thought I was over this.
Recent events have shown me that I'm not.
Two women at my job are very cool. They are both married and have
children. We can schmooze, joke around, be a little raunchy,
and it's ok to do. Sometimes, we talk deep stuff. Both are in management.
I like them, they are cool.
Recently, I realized, and was told, I had to talk about myself
and my recent emotional issues and I should tell my employer
so they know I'm not a danger to myself or them.
After that, things have seemed to change.
I thought it was just them - no more deep talk - but I get freaked out
when I tell people deep stuff about myself so it could be me.
Then, I heard some...implications that I had been disrespectful and possibly
lecherous to one of them. Nothing was said to me directly but when one of
them was complaining, as she does, about how the males in the store treat
her disrespectfully (there is Definitely male chauvinism going on there)
I thought she said 'You.' I wasn't sure, cause sometimes its hard to hear
in that place, so I said nothing. Later that day she was complaining again
about another higher up who is rude to her.
It was as if she had no problems with me.
I thought about this and noticed how they started treating me differently
so I figured I had done these things.
It made me embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted with myself.
I had no idea if she had been the only one I treated this way or if I had
been treating Most of the women I worked with like this.
Since I was in my 20's, I saw men being disrespectful and chauvinistic
towards women and decided to not do that, to be a Better Man
and to treat men & women the same based on who they are rather than
whether they were men or women. I've worked very hard to do this.
It's one of my core beliefs.
Most of the time I have been successful.
When I came to work the next day after realizing these things, I felt so
ashamed and guilty that I couldn't look them in the eye or even say anything.
Because they are in management, and because I told them about my
recent mental problems, One of them, the one who implied I had been
disrespectful towards her, talked to me. She got very close to my face
and said, basically, if you can't be here then go, we can handle this.
(I close the store three nights a week and that day was a closing day for me)
I couldn't look at her. My head was down and, for most of the interaction,
my eyes were closed.
I didn't make facial contact, crack jokes, or schmooze with any woman.
I was trying to figure out what to do and resolved to talk to a friend.
As soon as I did, I started hearing his voice in my head, what he would say
to me. It went like this...
...Get OVER your self!
You are a human being! You make mistakes! You feel this...NEED to be
more than human but you aren't. You're just as human as all of us.
...Remember that Men are PIGS! We ARE! and we disrespect women ALL.
THE. TIME. Realize this, recognize it and do Better.
...If no one has said anything to you then you don't know what is Really
going on! If they are treating you the same way, then maybe it's all You.
Don't say anything. If there IS a problem, they will come to you, especially
if they are management.
...They like you. That's obvious. You are an Awesome guy!
If they aren't talking deep stuff with you anymore, and they DO talk
to each other (they do. They are good friends to each other.),
then your friendship has changed.
Maybe due to them and their situations (married, not to each other, with kids).
Maybe due to yours and the stuff you've told them.
Don't worry about it. Let it be.
They still like you cause they treat you the same just no deep talk.
Accept That and don't ask deep questions anymore. Just be Happy with what
you have and let them be comfortable and realize that you won't be Everyone's
friend. It's just the way it is. If you feel comfortable talking deep with them,
then do it. Don't look for the same from them and accept That.
Either because you're a man or you're not married with kids, whatever it is,
they want to control the situation. You don't see these people outside of work
so just be work friends. It's difficult but that's all they want from you.
So just be there, be the Cool David Difrancesco that You ARE
and get on with your life.
I felt Better once I did this.
Later that day, I was able to schmooze, joke around and be a bit raunchy.
I don't ask them about their lives anymore. Even though I want to.
Someone once told me that
'Most people wont appreciate you for Who you Are.
They will like you for What they See but most will Never See the Full You.
Rare people, men and women, who do are the ones you want in your life.
The others will come and go and never know what they are missing.
How can they if they Can't Really See You?'
It's a little sad but i guess it's true.
That's All for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is INsane. You're Not.
I See the Full You. =)
This has lost me potential friends and possibly more.
I thought I was over this.
Recent events have shown me that I'm not.
Two women at my job are very cool. They are both married and have
children. We can schmooze, joke around, be a little raunchy,
and it's ok to do. Sometimes, we talk deep stuff. Both are in management.
I like them, they are cool.
Recently, I realized, and was told, I had to talk about myself
and my recent emotional issues and I should tell my employer
so they know I'm not a danger to myself or them.
After that, things have seemed to change.
I thought it was just them - no more deep talk - but I get freaked out
when I tell people deep stuff about myself so it could be me.
Then, I heard some...implications that I had been disrespectful and possibly
lecherous to one of them. Nothing was said to me directly but when one of
them was complaining, as she does, about how the males in the store treat
her disrespectfully (there is Definitely male chauvinism going on there)
I thought she said 'You.' I wasn't sure, cause sometimes its hard to hear
in that place, so I said nothing. Later that day she was complaining again
about another higher up who is rude to her.
It was as if she had no problems with me.
I thought about this and noticed how they started treating me differently
so I figured I had done these things.
It made me embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted with myself.
I had no idea if she had been the only one I treated this way or if I had
been treating Most of the women I worked with like this.
Since I was in my 20's, I saw men being disrespectful and chauvinistic
towards women and decided to not do that, to be a Better Man
and to treat men & women the same based on who they are rather than
whether they were men or women. I've worked very hard to do this.
It's one of my core beliefs.
Most of the time I have been successful.
When I came to work the next day after realizing these things, I felt so
ashamed and guilty that I couldn't look them in the eye or even say anything.
Because they are in management, and because I told them about my
recent mental problems, One of them, the one who implied I had been
disrespectful towards her, talked to me. She got very close to my face
and said, basically, if you can't be here then go, we can handle this.
(I close the store three nights a week and that day was a closing day for me)
I couldn't look at her. My head was down and, for most of the interaction,
my eyes were closed.
I didn't make facial contact, crack jokes, or schmooze with any woman.
I was trying to figure out what to do and resolved to talk to a friend.
As soon as I did, I started hearing his voice in my head, what he would say
to me. It went like this...
...Get OVER your self!
You are a human being! You make mistakes! You feel this...NEED to be
more than human but you aren't. You're just as human as all of us.
...Remember that Men are PIGS! We ARE! and we disrespect women ALL.
THE. TIME. Realize this, recognize it and do Better.
...If no one has said anything to you then you don't know what is Really
going on! If they are treating you the same way, then maybe it's all You.
Don't say anything. If there IS a problem, they will come to you, especially
if they are management.
...They like you. That's obvious. You are an Awesome guy!
If they aren't talking deep stuff with you anymore, and they DO talk
to each other (they do. They are good friends to each other.),
then your friendship has changed.
Maybe due to them and their situations (married, not to each other, with kids).
Maybe due to yours and the stuff you've told them.
Don't worry about it. Let it be.
They still like you cause they treat you the same just no deep talk.
Accept That and don't ask deep questions anymore. Just be Happy with what
you have and let them be comfortable and realize that you won't be Everyone's
friend. It's just the way it is. If you feel comfortable talking deep with them,
then do it. Don't look for the same from them and accept That.
Either because you're a man or you're not married with kids, whatever it is,
they want to control the situation. You don't see these people outside of work
so just be work friends. It's difficult but that's all they want from you.
So just be there, be the Cool David Difrancesco that You ARE
and get on with your life.
I felt Better once I did this.
Later that day, I was able to schmooze, joke around and be a bit raunchy.
I don't ask them about their lives anymore. Even though I want to.
Someone once told me that
'Most people wont appreciate you for Who you Are.
They will like you for What they See but most will Never See the Full You.
Rare people, men and women, who do are the ones you want in your life.
The others will come and go and never know what they are missing.
How can they if they Can't Really See You?'
It's a little sad but i guess it's true.
That's All for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is INsane. You're Not.
I See the Full You. =)
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Too Hot for anything!
GEEZ!
HOT!
Today is HOT!
It was Hot when I woke up.
I went to the movies and cooled down a lot.
When I came back outside after the movie, I was met by heat.
Dry. Hot but not oppressive. I sat in my car and, with the windows
up, enjoyed the heat.
I felt like I was enjoying a nice Culver City, LA afternoon.
It was Awesome.
I get back to my home and it is hot And muggy. ICK!
My room is upstairs, as is my mac, so I am in 85+ degree weather
right now. Now the weather sucks!
Not too Hot for realizations though.
Figured out, with counseling help and a few friends help, that
all things come in time. Now that my most immediate problem
is...manageable, I need to get back to what I've been doing:
taking care of my weight, exercising - not just my mind and emotions
but my body too - and creating a Better, Healthier Me.
Not to bring a woman in my life (although I Would like that),
not for anyone else or any other reason than to get Myself Healthy.
So, yeah, it took a while for me to get back to what I KNEW
I needed to get back to anyway.
I know it's gonna be HOT! this week so I will have to exercise
in the morning when it is cool.
And work more on my creativity = writing
which took a back seat while I have been dealing with my most
recent emotional stuff.
So...ok...there ya go.
That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.
HOT!
HOT!
Today is HOT!
It was Hot when I woke up.
I went to the movies and cooled down a lot.
When I came back outside after the movie, I was met by heat.
Dry. Hot but not oppressive. I sat in my car and, with the windows
up, enjoyed the heat.
I felt like I was enjoying a nice Culver City, LA afternoon.
It was Awesome.
I get back to my home and it is hot And muggy. ICK!
My room is upstairs, as is my mac, so I am in 85+ degree weather
right now. Now the weather sucks!
Not too Hot for realizations though.
Figured out, with counseling help and a few friends help, that
all things come in time. Now that my most immediate problem
is...manageable, I need to get back to what I've been doing:
taking care of my weight, exercising - not just my mind and emotions
but my body too - and creating a Better, Healthier Me.
Not to bring a woman in my life (although I Would like that),
not for anyone else or any other reason than to get Myself Healthy.
So, yeah, it took a while for me to get back to what I KNEW
I needed to get back to anyway.
I know it's gonna be HOT! this week so I will have to exercise
in the morning when it is cool.
And work more on my creativity = writing
which took a back seat while I have been dealing with my most
recent emotional stuff.
So...ok...there ya go.
That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.
HOT!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)