Sunday, June 17, 2018

Path to Definition and...revelations of the past

Back Again!

This past week I watched a movie where an army father had trained his sons so much
that he turned them into modern assassins. His main point was...
...'Different doesn't mean people will like you or not. It means that, one day, they will
fear you.' He knew that fear turns to violence so he trained them to be ready
for whatever man come at them.
As soon as I heard that it reminded me of Star Wars and how Yoda said...
...'Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering.'
And isn't that what we are seeing in our world now?
So many fearful people are turning to hatred. We have been inundated with fearful
ideas and images and bullshit for so long that some people have decided that
particular peoples - black people, LBGT people, foreign people - are the 'problem'
and need to be 'dealt with' whatever That means. Usually using violence.
It's just SAD!

We all have fears in our lives and we struggle daily to overcome them.
My fears stem from my depression and anxiety.
I fear they will overcome me and I'll loose that battle, that I feel I've been fighting
all my life, and I'll do something dumb and hurt myself. I got to counseling to
help me with this. I take CBD oil. I talk to people. The group counselor says
I need to talk More. I'm trying but, for me, it's never been easy to talk about myself.
I don't want to burden anyone with my crap. They have their own crap to deal with.
The counselor says Maybe you talking about yourself will give them the impetus
to talk about Themselves. So I keep trying.
My fears also stem from my rage.
I've been angry for a Very long time. I almost hurt a little kid when I was in high
school cause one of his friends threw an apple at my head. A teacher tried to shut me
down but I REALLY wanted to hurt her too.
I was so mad at my brother I was going to hit him with a chair. I picked it up and
I was ready to hit him with it! This was around the same age.
I learned how to deal with my rage as I got older but it's still there, lurking in the back
of my brain, waiting.
I want to Be Captain America but I Feel like, and identify more with, the Hulk.
Big. Misunderstood. Rage-monster. wants to be left alone. mostly.
Lots of people says to me "You're such a Good Guy!"
It is very hard for me to be a 'Good Guy' most of the time.
So I go to group counseling. So I take CBD oil. So I try to talk about me.
Not to get people to care but to get used to talking so it's easier and so I can
express myself better. And I pray. which calms me.
So that smile I wear is often a mask so people wont fear me.
Even though I am different.

That's all for Now, SPace-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

maybe you're just a little angry or sad. That's ok. We All are now. I wont fear you.

Sunday, June 3, 2018