Path to Definition...and....sea creatures!

YAY!



YAY! I hope it came out....

OK
I said before about we are all trying to find our porpoise...uhh...PURPOSE
and how it will help us all to get from our respective 'Here' to 'There.'
Having people in your life is Vital to making this happen.
Whether they are family, friends, coworkers, lovers, spouses, Whatever
People Help us figure things out and get us where we Need to go.
Sometimes it's seeing our flaws reflected in them and saying 'UGH!'
Sometimes it's seeing their flaws in us and saying 'UGH!'
Or it can be all about the 'aaawwwww!' that we see.
We all do it and we all see it. the 'aaawww' factor.
Seeing someone do something that makes them more human and...real?

Example -
Last weekend my manager, nice woman with a 3 year old and
a new born and husband, had a party for her husband and there were...70
people there. She said it went well but the kids were just NOT happy.
They wouldn't sleep and her three year old said 'I Want Them To All Go AWAY!'
and crying and all that.
My reaction was 'Aaaaawwww!'-

I don't know if that means she saw the real human in me or I saw it in her and
her situation but there it is.
These are the moments that bring us closer and make us all realize that human
contact is what we all need.
I said before that having a woman in my life would just make going through
my depression, et al, harder but after this little....bonding moment (?)
I realize that having a woman in my life would make it easier.
Someone to talk to, someone who cares about my well being, someone who
wants to see me healthy and whole.
so....there That is. Not too much of a revelation but helpful in the 'Definition and
Porpoise' idea.
not sayin' it's my manager, monkees, i'm just sayin'.

anyway....there ya go...

That's all forNow, SPace-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

Path to Definition....and PORPOISE!

PORPOISE!




If y'all's remember in 'The Matrix' Smith had a Long monologue about
Purpose. Basically, Purpose is what makes every creature move forward.
Walt Disney said that, simply, we need to have hope, look towards
the future and Keep Moving Forward.
I am more of the mind of the late Mr. Disney than a movie villain
because he was real and, by following his idea, he made his vision real.
Like Steve Jobs, Nikola Tesla, Muhammad Ali, Bruce Lee, and my brother.
Just to name a few.

Keep moving forward.

The paths we take to get from our 'There' to 'Here' define us
and it's never easy.
This last week I had (am still having?) a Major bout with Depression.
This spiraled out of loneliness and feeling like i'm not understood
and I don't know if I ever will be.
I've spent some much of my life by myself and in my own head.
I figure no one wants to hear all the stuff that goes on in there.
I Don't want to hear what's in my head most of the time!
I had arguments with myself, saying stuff that made me want to
stay in bed and not come out.
But I got up. and I went to work. and when I needed to fall apart
I did it alone.
"nothing's worse than seeing' a Fat Man Cry!"
(Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back).
I don't like to talk about myself that's why this blog has started
and stopped so much. Figure it's just complaining and I. Hate. Doing. That.
(A guy I work with does that all. Day. Long. O_O)
I don't like dumping my crap on other people. Feels...lame.
So i go through what I need to and deal with it so I can be...'ok' at my job,
or to my family, and on.
I guess my point is...that...regardless of what I went through this past week,
I'm still here and still going. Still Moving Forward.
It's not easy and probably never will be.
Probably be harder with a woman in my life.
but i'll figure that out when it happens
Just gotta keep moving forward.


That's All for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane, You're Not!

It tries to take you down with it but you have to Keep Moving Forward.

Path to Definition and Purpose...or is it Porpoise?

OK
So I said I was gonna do this so I might as well...Just Do It! (Thank you Shia LaBeouf!)

So we all have to go from one place to get to the next.
We all have to go from 'There' to get to 'Here.'
It's not easy because we don't Know where are respective 'There' and 'Here' really are.
It changes for every individual. It's a...chore or a massive ordeal or, for some, an opera,
to even start the trek. But we all do it and some of us need to do it more than others.
I needed to go through everything I have gone through - living it Los Angeles and being
miserable, traveling across the country with the hope of a new and better life, that hope
fizzling out like a dud sparkler or firecracker, wallowing through the muck and refuse of
my depression anxiety and loneliness - all to get to My 'Here.'
My Better Here.
 - Cool current job. McEnroe's Organic Farm (look it up). Working in the market with
a very small staff of people who...
...all would be fired from Trader Joe's within a month for various reasons,
mostly laziness, working hungover Con-sis-tant-ly and not doing the job.
They are cool people but their work ethic is non-existent. And they all think they
work really hard at their job...while complaining to their friends or texting on their cellphones. The job itself is like Joe's in that you do Everything in the store and
it's physical so I like it. My body may not like Me after work for all the physical
work I do but it's nothing heating pads or cold packs can't fix.
 - I have OFFICIALLY lost 110 pounds!
YEAH BABY! Do You SEE ME?! Do I make you randy Bobby-uhhh-Baby!? YEEEAAAAHHH!
MAJOR point! Feels Great! I can Move, sleep, I don't feel like a troll
or waste of a person.I still have 50 pounds....or more...to loose but
this is Still an AWESOME Major post for me!
 - Still have the depression, anxiety and loneliness. I was talking to a coworker
....the cool one...maybe the Only cool one
...and we agreed that, where we live - Millerton, New York (lookitup)-
is not conducive to finding a gf/bf (my case/her case).
As my brother puts it...'it's Hillbilly Country.' Hands down, no bullshit,
100 percent RIGHT!
so I guess working on my weight and other stuff will work for now.
 - still writing. yes, still writing. d/a/l (figure it out) always get in the way
but I'm breaking through it and ideas keep flowing so I keep pushing through.

it's all unexpected but apparent too. Like Avengers: Infinity War.
We all knew it was coming since the first avengers movie.
and it was a slog to get there. It was a Fun Exciting slog but still a slog!
And, yeah, a little bittersweet too once arriving here.
But so is everything and you have to take the pains with the joy,
the sorrow with the happiness, the rough with the smooth.
and if you want your Here to be joyful, happy & smooth
you need to work at it. or, in other words....
...Just Do It! (Thank you again Shia LaBeouf!)

so keep reading. More to come.


That's All for Now, Space - Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not!
(coming soon....PORPOISE!)

Too long for an Update!

Hello friends, neighbors and space-persons!

So Yes! TOO long between updates! I shall attempt to remedy That in the future.
In the mean time, let the Updating commence!

SO
I had the hearts tress test and I don't know how it went.
I was supposed to walk/jog/run for a minimum of 12 minutes.
I did 5 minutes. BOOO!
Had the follow-up with the cardiologist and he said
"you need to loose weight."
yeah tell me something I DON'T know!
Overall, the test was fine but they didn't detect anything bad.
He suggested I take baby aspirin and loose weight.
Much like what my primary physician has told me so if 2 out of 2 doctor's say
"loose weight" you know it's the right thing to do.
which I knew already.
Also, the pills for my indigestion have been working well. I do get pains
every so often but it's not as bad and I have been eating healthier so not too many.
I 'm told that I have lost weight although my perception is
 "not enough." So that's the health issue...

On the financial front, I got a GRIP of money back from my taxes
and I have used it to pay off the bills and debts that have been crushing me.
I have a few more to payments to make but they are mostly under control.
Also, I recently applied for a Full Time Shift Leader position for the Front End/
Customer Service department at the Berkshire Co-op Market (where I work)
and I got it!
It's more hours which will mean more money which will help pay
the bills and debts and the like.
Finally, I am in the process of moving from my Nice one bedroom apartment
into a bedroom in my folks house in Millerton, NY (Google that peoples!).
I really like the apartment but I just couldn't keep paying $700 a month
and Not being able to pay my bills. I have been making about $1000 a month
as a cashier at Berkshire Co-op Market.
And, unfortunately, the promotion to shift leader has come After I am moving out!
and I really don't know how much I'll be averaging a month so I figured
'just get out so they have a tenant who can pay rent regularly and you won't be
stressed!'. so out I got.
I will be paying rent or utilities plus groceries at my folks but I will be able to
pay off my bills and debts and then save money to move some place
where I can live on my own.
So that's the financial issue and the job issue...

I have been writing and I'm really Happy about it!
There is another writing contest due in the beginning of June so
I'm gonna submit something. Short story contest.
I hope that, by living at my folks house, I can finish the short stories I have
and maybe one of the novels and finally get Something published!
I will keep y'all's updated with that more often I hope.

SO
That's that and that's all...oops!

That's All for Now, Space - Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not!
(next update once I'm all moved in!)

More ACK-Ness!

So after my 50th I had indigestion.
this indigestion has been continuing since then and go so bad that I went to
the emergency room cause I was worried I might be having heart trouble.
This came a week after I almost passed out at work due to lack of food.

Cronologically....02/04 = 50th Birthday
                           02/09 = light-headed/almost passed out at work
                           02/16 = went to ER for heart palpitations and acid reflux
                           02/21 = back to the ER for Acid reflux again
(thank God for medical insurance!)

02/09......I didn't eat at all that day and had half a cup of coffee. Later, I started
having ass pain due to me having hemorrhoids and it was just the right add
of lack of food and pain to make me all lightheaded.
I was still working though! hehe
I went home early and took the next day off too. Killed my pay. PHUKMI.

02/16.....I ate late at night and woke up with a rapid heart beat and pain all
in my chest and nausea. Went to the ER via ambulance. Turned out it was
BAD acid reflux and too much Tums anti-acids (the bottle says no more
than 10 in a 24-hour period. I took over 12 for my indigestion all day long).
They gave me a STRONG anti-acid and relaxer. Took a cab home. Sleep.
Since then I saw my doctor and he prescribed me something for it and told
me what not to eat, the 3 F's = no Fats, Fried, or Fatty Fluids like oils, etc.
SO far ok.

02/21....again, same as 02/16 but I though I had taken too much of the acid
reflux medication. This time I drove myself and it was the same situation.
I have an appointment to see a cardiologist next week for a heart stress test
so that should be....I was gonna say fun but...nope.

So really it's just a matter of figuring out What I can eat and making sure
I eat Often enough. I have to eat something substantial Plus something
with sugar every three to four hours so Lent is pretty much blown for me
this year. PHUKMI.
Also, I have to make sure not to eat too late or I don't get enough sleep.
Hopefully today I will go over my taxes with my brother. I hope to see
'Deadpool' soon but it all depends on money and time.
I am still here and still hopeful that life will get Better. It just takes time.
and hopefully I have that. =)
I'll do another update next week after the cardiology appointment.

That's all for now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.