No rest now!

Howdy all!

So this past weekend I was feeling lonely and I downloaded and installed the app
Match.com on Friday afternoon
and I was really not prepared for what happened next!
As so as my profile was finished, I had a BUNCH of recommendations
based on my profile responses....and I freaked out H A R D!
I got overwhelmed and anxious and just scared
and I shut it off.
Saturday I went back on to Match.com and started changing my profile
to make it more like me and I went through some of my recommended women
and clicked on the heart.
I didn't realize that when that happened it sent a notice to the person I had viewed.
so, again, I freaked the fuck out and I shut it off.
Later that day, I went back on to Match.com and looked into how much it cost
to subscribe so I could see who had liked me.
Minimum cost is $35! A! MONTH!
I don't have that money right now
so, once again, I freaked out and turned it off.

Seeing a pattern folks?

I don't know that I am ready to start dating again
and if you base it by All my reactions for Match.com
I'm Not.
However, freaking out is part of life. How long it lasts should tell you
if you are ready to do something or not.
Dating freaks me out. Always has.
Still being alone freaks me out even more.
I don't want to sit here a create an imaginary lover and still be alone
just so I don't have to face the scary reality of dating someone and failing.
Or Worse, Succeeding.
Then what do I do GEEZ! I'd have to be Real! LOL!
I don't know if I'll pay for Match.com or if I'll try to find something else
But being alone sucks and I want to go out and date and have fun with a woman!
and it wont happen by sitting on my ass doing nothing!
SO
Can't Stop Now.
Will keep y'all's posted.

That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not!

Maybe just a lil' freaked out about dating! Z-Z-Z-Z-ZOINKS!

Everyone needs some time off

Hello!

So last week I was on Vacation
WHOOT-WHOOT!
and I NEEDED it!

I had a whole week where I wasn't responsible to other people
and where I didn't have to Be anywhere unless I wanted to be there
IT WAS AWESOME!
I went to the city and had an adventure!
Took the train to Grand Central and then went into the city, went to a few places
- exhibit I wanted to see, restaurant that I wanted to eat - and there were
so Many people. It was AWESOME!
I had so much fun being in the city I will go back again!
I went to the Baseball Museum and Hall of Fame another day
and it was another Great Adventure!
One day I slept Most of the day.
It just felt Really Good not to do anything or be responsible for anything
or to anyone.

But now I have to go back to work this week,
oh well
not really looking forward to it but not dreading it either.
the vacation energized me and made me able to deal with my own stuff
I've been dealing with and come to solutions for myself.
I feel a LOT Better and better able to deal with my life and my situations -
being alone, not sure about a future for me, not wanting to be here anymore -
and things don't feel hopeless anymore.
So a GREAT vacation!
YAY! WHOOT - WHOOT! YAY!

That's All for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

Maybe you just need a GREAT vacation!

Follow up to last post

Howdy!

so After my last post
the one about my management coworkers
I was a little bummed.
I had time before my group counseling appointment so I went to
the Berkshire Co-Op in Great Barrington, Mass.
I saw and talked to a few friends and I realized something:
I have friends who really love me and accept me for who I am.
This past few months I've been upset because I felt I had no one
- wife, girlfriend, whatever - but I have Lots of Loving, Caring
friends who love Me for Me.
I haven't stopped being Happy since I realized this.
In spite of my brain trying to make me feel bad about my current
work situation, I am Very Happy that I have wonderful, warm and
loving people in my life who love me and accept me for me.
If I don't have any more, then I don't.
If I make more, then I do.
if it takes a little longer for me to be in an intimate relationship,
then it does.
I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person.

I had forgotten ALL of these things and was so pathologically
focused on 'no girlfriend' that I couldn't see the Real Joy I have
in my life already.
Thank you ALL, My friends!
I love you, appreciate you and am very grateful to you for everything
You have given Me!


That is All for now, Space-Pals.
Remember: Life is Insane. We are Not.

with Much Love, Gratitude and Acceptance of You!

Path to Definition....Upset....like in sports...

I have a tendency to be More into people than they are with me.
This has lost me potential friends and possibly more.
I thought I was over this.
Recent events have shown me that I'm not.
Two women at my job are very cool. They are both married and have
children. We can schmooze, joke around, be a little raunchy,
and it's ok to do. Sometimes, we talk deep stuff. Both are in management.
I like them, they are cool.
Recently, I realized, and was told, I had to talk about myself
and my recent emotional issues and I should tell my employer
so they know I'm not a danger to myself or them.
After that, things have seemed to change.
I thought it was just them - no more deep talk - but I get freaked out
when I tell people deep stuff about myself so it could be me.
Then, I heard some...implications that I had been disrespectful and possibly
lecherous to one of them. Nothing was said to me directly but when one of
them was complaining, as she does, about how the males in the store treat
her disrespectfully (there is Definitely male chauvinism going on there)
I thought she said 'You.' I wasn't sure, cause sometimes its hard to hear
in that place, so I said nothing. Later that day she was complaining again
about another higher up who is rude to her.
It was as if she had no problems with me.
I thought about this and noticed how they started treating me differently
so I figured I had done these things.
It made me embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted with myself.
I had no idea if she had been the only one I treated this way or if I had
been treating Most of the women I worked with like this.
Since I was in my 20's, I saw men being disrespectful and chauvinistic
towards women and decided to not do that, to be a Better Man
and to treat men & women the same based on who they are rather than
whether they were men or women. I've worked very hard to do this.
It's one of my core beliefs.
Most of the time I have been successful.
When I came to work the next day after realizing these things, I felt so
ashamed and guilty that I couldn't look them in the eye or even say anything.
Because they are in management, and because I told them about my
recent mental problems, One of them, the one who implied I had been
disrespectful towards her, talked to me. She got very close to my face
and said, basically, if you can't be here then go, we can handle this.
(I close the store three nights a week and that day was a closing day for me)
I couldn't look at her. My head was down and, for most of the interaction,
my eyes were closed.
I didn't make facial contact, crack jokes, or schmooze with any woman.
I was trying to figure out what to do and resolved to talk to a friend.
As soon as I did, I started hearing his voice in my head, what he would say
to me. It went like this...

...Get OVER your self!
You are a human being! You make mistakes! You feel this...NEED to be
more than human but you aren't. You're just as human as all of us.
...Remember that Men are PIGS! We ARE! and we disrespect women ALL.
THE. TIME. Realize this, recognize it and do Better.
...If no one has said anything to you then you don't know what is Really
going on! If they are treating you the same way, then maybe it's all You.
Don't say anything. If there IS a problem, they will come to you, especially
if they are management.
...They like you. That's obvious. You are an Awesome guy!
If they aren't talking deep stuff with you anymore, and they DO talk
to each other (they do. They are good friends to each other.),
then your friendship has changed.
Maybe due to them and their situations (married, not to each other, with kids).
Maybe due to yours and the stuff you've told them.
Don't worry about it. Let it be.
They still like you cause they treat you the same just no deep talk.
Accept That and don't ask deep questions anymore. Just be Happy with what
you have and let them be comfortable and realize that you won't be Everyone's
friend. It's just the way it is. If you feel comfortable talking deep with them,
then do it. Don't look for the same from them and accept That.
Either because you're a man or you're not married with kids, whatever it is,
they want to control the situation. You don't see these people outside of work
so just be work friends. It's difficult but that's all they want from you.
So just be there, be the Cool David Difrancesco that You ARE
and get on with your life.

I felt Better once I did this.
Later that day, I was able to schmooze, joke around and be a bit raunchy.
I don't ask them about their lives anymore. Even though I want to.

Someone once told me that
'Most people wont appreciate you for Who you Are.
They will like you for What they See but most will Never See the Full You.
Rare people, men and women, who do are the ones you want in your life.
The others will come and go and never know what they are missing.
How can they if they Can't Really See You?'
It's a little sad but i guess it's true.


That's All for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is INsane. You're Not.

I See the Full You. =)

Too Hot for anything!

GEEZ!
HOT!

Today is HOT!
It was Hot when I woke up.
I went to the movies and cooled down a lot.
When I came back outside after the movie, I was met by heat.
Dry. Hot but not oppressive. I sat in my car and, with the windows
up, enjoyed the heat.
I felt like I was enjoying a nice Culver City, LA afternoon.
It was Awesome.
I get back to my home and it is hot And muggy. ICK!
My room is upstairs, as is my mac, so I am in 85+ degree weather
right now. Now the weather sucks!

Not too Hot for realizations though.
Figured out, with counseling help and a few friends help, that
all things come in time. Now that my most immediate problem
is...manageable, I need to get back to what I've been doing:
taking care of my weight, exercising - not just my mind and emotions
but my body too - and creating a Better, Healthier Me.
Not to bring a woman in my life (although I Would like that),
not for anyone else or any other reason than to get Myself Healthy.
So, yeah, it took a while for me to get back to what I KNEW
I needed to get back to anyway.
I know it's gonna be HOT! this week so I will have to exercise
in the morning when it is cool.
And work more on my creativity = writing
which took a back seat while I have been dealing with my most
recent emotional stuff.
So...ok...there ya go.

That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

HOT!

Interlude...hehe...'lude'...hehe...

hehe

I often think. and that's the problem.

I think about Life, Love, the planet, the environment, people and how
stupid they are, people and how awesome they are.
and I think and think and think.
so I think too much.
Because I think too much I don't act enough.
I think I know the 'reality' of a situation so I either roll with it -
which means do nothing - or I wait for an opening - which, again,
means do nothing.
I don't see myself as afraid or a coward.
I take a look at my previous experiences and try to figure out the
answer based on those previous situations and how they went.
Basically, I overthink and think myself right out of action
because I feel I know the outcome or I convince myself it's a
waste of time.
But I overlook the reality that not every situation is the same.
Yes, some are but not All of them are.
When I go looking for a job, I go on an interview and afterward I
stress out about whether I got the job or not. Most of the time I don't
and I go to the next interview. I keep doing this until I come to a
place where I say 'Whatever happens, happens and we'll see.'
I get to the point where my Taoist views Finally kick in and allow
myself to be in the moment and the situation and accept that,
whether I want the job or not, I have to accept what happens,
whatever that is.
When relating to people it should be the same way.
We don't know how things will turn out but our preconceived
ideas get ahead of us and we bring expectations into that particular
burgeoning relationship. We want some to be our friend/lover/whatever
and so we stress about the outcome. Only when we let go and
realize that we have no control over people and how they think
or feel and just accept the situation for what it is can we see that
we get what we needed.
New employee came to my job (retail market, McEnroe's Organic Farm).
Michelle. Nice. Funny. Pretty. We get along.
I talked to her about the show Critical Role (I'm an unofficial Critter) and
she likes it too. She tells me she plays D&D with people from her school
and they were starting a new campaign. I told her I would LOVE to
play. She said she would ask the DM and get back to me.
She didn't respond for days so I started to overthink the situation
"DIDISAYSOMETHINGWRONG?!" "WhatthefuckdoIdoNow?!"
"IREALLYWANTTOPLAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
Finally, I said to myself "She has a life. She'll get back to me and I'll
find out then." and I let it go. I was Taoist again and, a little disappointed,
at peace.
Soon as I did that she texted me and said "sorry I'm getting back to you
late. We're playing on This day at This place. Come by and see what it's
like." And I was Happy.
I'm now playing in the new campaign with her and her boyfriend and
their friends and they are all amazing and playing D&D again is AWESOME!

Bringing our own...Garbage to a situation, be it desires, wants, needs,
judgements, opinions, whatever, create in all of us undo stress and
sometimes fuck us right out of what we want.
Giving it all up and saying 'OK. I know nothing. We'll see what happens
and that will be that.' frees All of us to be our Real, Genuine selves.
Yes we are emotional selfish people but if we take that crap out and allow
ourselves to Be Ourselves we are provided with what we need.
Look at your Own lives.
Figure out what You need and how you approach it.
Because in the end, it's all about being Happy.
Maybe part of Happiness is playing a game with a bunch of new cool people.


That's all for Now, Space-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

It may not give you what you want but it gives what you need.

Path to Definition and...revelations of the past

Howdy!
Back Again!

This past week I watched a movie where an army father had trained his sons so much
that he turned them into modern assassins. His main point was...
...'Different doesn't mean people will like you or not. It means that, one day, they will
fear you.' He knew that fear turns to violence so he trained them to be ready
for whatever man come at them.
As soon as I heard that it reminded me of Star Wars and how Yoda said...
...'Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering.'
And isn't that what we are seeing in our world now?
So many fearful people are turning to hatred. We have been inundated with fearful
ideas and images and bullshit for so long that some people have decided that
particular peoples - black people, LBGT people, foreign people - are the 'problem'
and need to be 'dealt with' whatever That means. Usually using violence.
It's just SAD!

We all have fears in our lives and we struggle daily to overcome them.
My fears stem from my depression and anxiety.
I fear they will overcome me and I'll loose that battle, that I feel I've been fighting
all my life, and I'll do something dumb and hurt myself. I got to counseling to
help me with this. I take CBD oil. I talk to people. The group counselor says
I need to talk More. I'm trying but, for me, it's never been easy to talk about myself.
I don't want to burden anyone with my crap. They have their own crap to deal with.
The counselor says Maybe you talking about yourself will give them the impetus
to talk about Themselves. So I keep trying.
My fears also stem from my rage.
I've been angry for a Very long time. I almost hurt a little kid when I was in high
school cause one of his friends threw an apple at my head. A teacher tried to shut me
down but I REALLY wanted to hurt her too.
I was so mad at my brother I was going to hit him with a chair. I picked it up and
I was ready to hit him with it! This was around the same age.
I learned how to deal with my rage as I got older but it's still there, lurking in the back
of my brain, waiting.
I want to Be Captain America but I Feel like, and identify more with, the Hulk.
Big. Misunderstood. Rage-monster. wants to be left alone. mostly.
Lots of people says to me "You're such a Good Guy!"
It is very hard for me to be a 'Good Guy' most of the time.
So I go to group counseling. So I take CBD oil. So I try to talk about me.
Not to get people to care but to get used to talking so it's easier and so I can
express myself better. And I pray. which calms me.
So that smile I wear is often a mask so people wont fear me.
Even though I am different.

That's all for Now, SPace-Pals!
Remember: Life is Insane. You're Not.

maybe you're just a little angry or sad. That's ok. We All are now. I wont fear you.